


Out of breath, out of time

by SPNHP



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Again, Discussion of Death, Discussion of Grief, Fix It Fic, Gen, Not me rewritting canon to absolve my favorite characters, set after amelia returns from her sister’s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:07:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28488048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SPNHP/pseuds/SPNHP
Summary: Meredith knows pain can mess with your head. But her and Amelia’s completely conflicting view of an event leads her to discover a web of manipulation behind their biggest fight.
Relationships: Meredith Grey & Amelia Shepherd
Comments: 5
Kudos: 14





	Out of breath, out of time

**Author's Note:**

> Just me trying to fix something that always bothered me. Understandably, but Mer was so violently mean to Amy in that period, and I love their relationship so much (almost as much as Maggie and Amy’s), had to give it a shot. Hope you like it!

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

That was the vague feeling Meredith had as she dialed Nancy’s number. If she had to rank Derek’s sisters, Amelia would be a solid number one, and the one she was calling, dead last. However, she knew herself all too well to think she could handle Amelia right now without snapping at her, and sending her spiraling through another relapse with her lack if tact would be like throwing away everything Derek stood for.

Derek, who was laying so peacefully, justin the other room, Derek, who thought of Amy as someone to always protect, Derek, whose heart she’d have to feel stop in a few hours when his sisters got there. Maybe she could shed the doctor skin for a while? Be irrational? Refuse to pull the plug? Pray and wait for a miracle and...

“Hello, Meredith. Did not expect a call from you, and at such an interesting time, nonetheless! Is everything alright?”

The fact the pathetic woman on the other side of the line and all her venom disguised as politeness had once been intimidating to her was a distant memory, lost in the myriad of flashes of her time with Derek that danced in front of her eyes, swaying her purpose in putting an end to it.

“Derek was driving to the airport, but he stopped to help some victims of a roadside accident. An ambulance came to get them, and he was going to follow with his car, but... There was a... There was an accident, Nancy.”

There was a soft hitch in Nancy’s breath, like she already figured out the end of the story but still needed to see it unveil. You have to say it, you have to say the words, you have to make it real.

“The hospital was understaffed and... There is nothing to be done, not anymore. He... We have to pull the plug.”

They were both bawling now, and Meredith heard a muffled voice asking Nancy a question, probably what happened. The answer barely registered, the words “derek” “accident” and “dead” barely working as beacons of light, blinking ominously in the thick fog of pain she found herself in.

“Are you... Meredith, are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t make this call if I wasn’t. Are you... When are you getting here?”

“I have four sisters. Very girly. Lots of kids. If I was in a comma, they’d all be here. I’d want them all to be here”

“I... I have to call mom and my sisters. Does anyone else... know?”

“I thought they’d take it better coming from you”

Suddenly, exhaustion overcome her, and Meredith let her body slide down against the wall. For what it was worth, she didn’t have to think about it, Nancy was in charge, she could let herself fall to pieces and maybe hold her husband’s hands, feel his pulse one more time.

Nancy’s tearful answer got drowned out by a code blue coming from the room besides Derek’s, and the way the rush of nurses seemed to be blending in with the walls and floating around was the only alert she got before passing out, the phone screen going black being the last thing she saw before her whole world did the same.

  * Meredith, me, mom, Liz, Kate and Amy have decided not to be present. Amy’s too fragile to see it happen. So are we. I hope you understand. I’m sorry. We’ll be there for the funeral. -



Another time, maybe she’d have called that bitch, screamed at her for daring leaving her brother alone, for leaving her alone to “see it happen” and to arrange for the funeral. Right now, there was no fight left in her. And besides, a part of her (the darkest part, the most twisted) understood. She’d pay to have the memory of Lexie’s death wiped clean off of her brain. The idea of a “final goodbye” felt good until you were thirty seven and had outlived almost all of your family, birth or found, and saying another one was as comforting as cradling shards of glass.

She ran out of time, out of breaths and kisses and plans and time, precious time, time she’d lost and been gifted, time she had fought for and wasted. Time. Time of death: 03:46 AM.

————————

“How could you do this to me? How could you unplug him, without letting me know? I didn’t get to see him, I didn’t get to tell him goodbye!”

And Meredith felt a little bit like Derek had just died all over again. The murky mix of feelings bubbling up inside her was as exhausting at least. Just like when Penny showed up at her house, she wanted to grab Amelia by the shoulders and shake her, scream until her voice gave up that she hadn’t done anything, she’d been the one left alone to deal with watching the man they both loved die. Except apparently, Amelia suffered from memory loss and saw herself as the victim of that story.

So Meredith stood, frozen, in the supply closet, long after Amelia was gone, trying so hard to hold all her grief and anger inside that her legs shook and gave up on supporting her. Seemed like she couldn’t get anything right. Ever.

———————

“Did you ever tell her?”

“You know, this habit of yours of not ever bothering with greetings might have been charming to Derek, but to me it’s very rude, Meredith. Tell who what, now?”

“Cut the crap, Nancy. Did you ever tell Amelia about how Derek was dying?”

“Why would I do that, Meredith? So she could take that as an excuse to run off and get high again? Play the victim like she’s the only one that was hurting in that situation?”

“Maybe so she could say goodbye to her brother, you sick bitch.”  And not blame it all on me that she didn’t.

Meredith considered barging into Amelia’s room and shoving the truth in her face, so she could stop looking at her with that kicked dog look that made her stomach twist into knots. But that would be her words against Nancy’s, and she didn’t put it beneath that woman to lie to everyone’s faces about it.

She unscrewed the cap of her tequila bottle, and let it burn away her anger. There was no sleep that night.

———————

“And she asked me if I ever “run into” you! That’s how little she knows of me!” Amelia sighed, shoveling forkfuls of lasagna that Meredith had been gifted from a patient earlier in the day and the sisters were now sharing on the couch, after Maggie had gone to sleep claiming lack of hunger. Mer shook her head at the exasperating tale of Nancy Shepherd (or at the slight mess that was being made of her favorite blanket).

“But don’t you talk to her, still?” Amy asked.

“Why would I? She hates me since Derek cheated on Addison with me, and even more so since I found out...” And the damage was done, no matter how promptly she shut her mouth. The words were not to be unheard.

“Found out...?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“Mer! You gotta say it now, c’mon, don’t you think I deserve to hear some of the dirt on Nancy after the day I just had?”

Oh. Shit.

“It’s not exactly, it’s not exactly dirt on her, Amy, it’s, it’s kind of also on me. I... The night Derek died, I called her, actually. Because, to be honest, I couldn’t handle telling you, and I asked her to tell everyone, to get all of you there as soon as possible because that’s what Derek wanted. Then, a few hours later, she messaged me saying you all had collectively “chosen not to come” because you, specially you, were “too fragile” for it. Obviously, she hadn’t told you, and I shouldn’t have believed it, but everything was happening so fast, and I felt so abandoned... I found out when you confronted me about it, I called her to ask for an explanation and she... Basically was Nancy about it, acting like it was a good deed on her part or whatever.”

Amelia’s eyes stood out in the semi-darkness like two full moons floating above the red blanket she was cocooned in. Meredith fully expected another yelling round, asking if she thought so little of her that she’d abandon her dying brother like that, or why Nancy had been called instead of her. She didn’t expect the near full minute of silence, and she definitely didn’t expect the tearful, barely audible “I’m sorry” that broke it.

“I shouldn’t have doubted you. I... I thought you had kept me from him. I thought you didn’t want me there. I...” And she broke down, sobs cutting her sentence short.

“I mean, I did earn my “biggest bitch in the world” crown that year, so I don’t really fault you for thinking that, Amy. And I’ll admit, I was angry at you, because I thought you had left me all alone to deal with everything.”

They stayed silent for a while, Amy processing how much of a painful misunderstanding it had been (or straight-up evil plot, curtesy of her “big sister”) and Mer feeling the slight need for a drink. Or several.

“Why didn’t you tell me? When I confronted you about it? Or before, why didn’t you call me out at some point? You certainly fought with me enough...”

“I was shocked when you yelled you ‘hadn’t gotten a chance to say goodbye’. I genuinely thought you were having memory problems. Then I called Nancy, and she “justified” herself so much, I didn’t put it above her lying to you about it. So I kept it to myself. In the end, it wouldn’t change much. As for calling you out... A part of me understood it. I watched my sister die, and I still remember it, still have nightmares and still cry every single time I have a crush-injury or plane crash patient to treat. I was mad, but I knew if I could, I’d have spared myself that pain too.” Amy squeezed her hand, face going soft at the clear pain in her tone. None of the plane crash survivors ever talked much about it, and sometimes it was easy to forget how much it had taken from them.

“If I’m ever... In that position, I don’t want them there. But I want you and Maggie, ok?”

“If I outlive one more person in my family, I’ll make sure it won’t be by very long” Meredith said, darkly. Amelia chuckled. Grief had made their edges sharper, and they fit in together like pieces of a puzzle, that’s for sure.

————————————-

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! Let me know your thoughts ;)


End file.
